From the Comfort of the SoulBounce Couch: Live-Blogging the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards

testicular_pain_vma_small.jpg8:00   Welcome to the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards Live-Blog. C'mon and join me in my misery.

8:04   The 2008 VMA Opening Act is so far, so dry.

8:04   Oh look, there's T.I. Is that velvet?

8:05   Sway is in a helicopter high above the action. He's chatting with Katy Perry. Yawn.

8:08   Am I supposed to know who Tokio Hotel is?

8:09   Hold up. That's a dude? The lead singer from Tokio Hotel looks like the love child of old boy from Dead or Alive and Boy George.

8:10   The first commercial break didn't come soon enough.

8:14   Jesus, Mary, K-Ci and Jo Jo. T-Pain is making his grand entrance on a circus elephant with an assortment of krumping clowns, scantily clad broads and sideshow freaks.

8:17   Taylor Swift just told Pink that she looks "Amazing!" Is that code for hot mess?

8:18   Jordin Sparks is such a cutie patootie. She looks quite glam in her sparkly dress and phonytail.

8:19   And we're back to Sway in this damn helicopter.

8:26   Miley Cyrus was in a limo with Katy Perry? I bet there was some heavy petting going on.

8:27   OK, this Taylor chick is telling everyone that they look "AMAZING!" Please get a vocabulary.

8:28   Look! It's Kid Rock and his date Vera de Milo...oh, my bad, that's Michael Phelps.

8:33   It's America's Best Dance Crew VMA Edition!! Couldn't you just die?!

8:35   FANNY PAK!!

8:36   That lightskinned sista in Fanny Pak is Keri Hilson's doppelganger.

8:37    Why is Sway acting like he could see those dance routines from the helicopter? Old lyin' self. He is not a good actor at all.

8:38   All these commercial breaks are making this semi-bearable.

8:43   Va-va-voom! Christina Aguilera looks like Donatella Versaucy.

8:45   OMFGOMFGOMFG! It's the Jonas Brothers!

8:45   That one Jonas Brother in the white suit looks like a young Mr. Bean.

8:51   Oh look, it's Kobe Bryant and Mrs. It's Cheaper to Keep Her.

8:52   Am I supposed to know who Paramore is?

8:53   Who is this Jim Cantiello clown that MTV has on the red carpet? Was Prince DaJour not available?

8:54   WTF is up with Ciara's hair? No, really. Is her lacefront on backwards? I'm just glad that she decided to wear clothes unlike in the latest issue of VIBE.

8:59   And it's show time! Here comes Britney Spears.

9:01   OK, this show opener is super lame.

9:02   At least Britney looks better than she did last year.

9:04   What in the zombie hell is this?

9:04    Oh, God. It's Rihanna with this tragic "Disturbia" song.

9:05    That's a sexy hot outfit, though. Where'd those thick thighs come from?

9:07    She sounds like a bag of cats fighting for a fish bone. 

9:08    Who in the hell is Russell Brand? Am I supposed to know who this weirdo is? His hair is disturbia.

9:11   OK, dude gets a pass for his pro-Obama banter/anti-Republican jokes.

9:15    Here comes Jamie Foxx to present the first VMA for Best Female Video. He's shouting folks out and acting a fool.

9:18    And that's your cue Jamie.

9:18    Britney wins her first VMA for a video that I've never seen. LOL

9:19    OK, Russell, all this political comedy is going over way over people's heads.

9:27   Demi Moore? Mmkay. She's presenting the award for Best Male Video.

9:28   Chris Brown for the win!
9:30   The Jonas Brothers are performing. Time for a smoke break. Never mind that I don't smoke.

9:34    Katy Perry is singing "Like A Virgin" before the commercial break. I'm underwhelmed, anyone else?

9:40, Michael Phelps is on to announce the next performer.

9:42    Leona Lewis and Lil Wayne? LEONA LEWIS AND LIL WAYNE? I'm spent.

9:43    Now Weezy is performing "A Millie." I just want him to pull his pants up.

9:44    Here comes T-Pain to coon up the joint even more.

9:46    Lindsay Lohan and Ciara are announcing who won the VMA Dance Battle. Ciara better guard her goodies. We know how LiLo gets down.

9:47    Fanny Pak wins! Yes we can!

9:49    The Badussy Pussycat Dolls win for Best Dancing in a Video. Can somebody wake me when their 15 minutes are up??

10:07    I'm still here. Just waiting for this rock block to end. I know absolutely jack diddly squat about rock music in 2008.

10:08    Any bets on who is going to be the first one to fall down those moving stairs? I got dizzy just looking at them. 

10:10    Linkin Park wins Best Rock Video. They have hood cred, right?

10:12    Pink is up next to perform "So What" live from the Paramount lot.

10:13   She has turned into quite the rockstar since coming out on the R&B tip.

10:14   Oh Lord, is she about to have a wardrobe malfunction? Home girl has silver tape on her nips.

10:24    Slipknot is 1) scaring me and 2) presenting the Best Hip Hop Video Award.

10:25    Lil Wayne wins for "Lollipop." Yawn.

10:26    Can we pour a little out for Static Major? R.I.P., dude.

10:26    Jordin Sparks is like a foot taller than John Legend.

10:26    Jordin strikes back at the promise ring haters saying "Not everyone wants to be a slut." Take a stand for chastity, girl!

10:26    Time for T.I. to perform.

10:27    This faux video is so tired.

10:28    Lawd, T.I. can't get out of the jacket for his costume change.

10:29    Jesus H. Christ it's Rihanna again. She is wearing the hell outta those pants, though. She's someone who needs to be seen and not heard.

10:31    They don't sound that bad together, but they don't sound that good either.

10:37    What does Christina Aguilera have up her garter belt?

10:38    Lip syncing!

10:39    X-tina's new song is very techno sounding tombout she's your "Super Bitch." How classy.

10:43   Tokio Hotel wins Best New Artist.

10:44   Boy George, Jr. just clasped his hands over his mouth very girl-like when their names were announced. I'm spent.

10:44   Are we sure that's a dude? He is way too pretty. If this music thing doesn't work out, he needs to be on the next season of America's Next Top Model.

10:49   Gasp and swoon! It's LL Cool J performing "Going Back to Cali" and wearing a bedazzled t-shirt. He is determined not to let those things get played out.

10:51   Oh look, it's the walking herpe Paris Hilton here to present Best Pop Video.

10:52    Britney Spears wins again! I smell a sympathy-vote conspiracy.

10:53   She thanks God for blessing her with a Moonman. Blank stare.

10:53   Why is Lupe Fiasco relegated to a commercial segue slot?  Boo, MTV!

10:59   OK, it's one minute to 11, why is this mess still on?

11:00   Kid Rock is performing now. Who'd he sleep with to get this gig?

11:00   It was much more interesting at last year's VMA's when he and Tommy Lee knuckled up.

11:02   The audience looks so bored, like they are watching a lecture.

11:03   Oh my God! A hobgoblin is on the stage!< br />
11:03   Oh, that's just Lil Wayne.

11:04   OK, this performance has gone on for way too long.

11:10   Here's Kobe to present the Video of the Year Award. This is finally nearing an end.

11:11   Britney Spears wins again! Maybe I should actually break down and watch this damn video!

11:12   Brit-Brit and Russ-Russ drive off into the sunset on a golf cart.

11:13   And here's Kanye...singing? Lawd.

11:14   This beat and the drums are hot.

11:15   So, wait, Kanye is really singing throughout this whole song? Wow.

11:16   OK, Ye, I'll keep my love locked down.

11:17   And that's it, folks. There's nothing else to see here. And it's debatable whether there was anything to see here for the past 2+ hours.

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51 Responses

  1. This pre show is boring so far.... The only part that has been ok has been the dance competition.

  2. Yeah, I keep getting distracted. The show needs to hurry up and start. The T Pain entrance was pure coonery though.

  3. Did he really say "Better luck next year T-Pain.... if you're still relevant"? My thoughts exactly....

  4. man rihanna need to lip sync

  5. Is there a reason Rhianna decided to test out her "live" singing "skills" tonight????

  6. Rhianna' s outfilt looked like it was designed by the Project Runway "Liscious" dude...
    When she sings I am given the vision of a cat on crack!

  7. And Rihanna's going to sing again later. Her stuff is sometimes OK on video (I like that Disturbia song), but I never need to see her live again. The host is already getting on my nerves.

  8. MTV immediately regrets letting this guy host.

  9. "Disturbia" reminds me a LOT of "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics.
    And Grace Jones is sitting somewhere wondering who stole her act lol.

  10. Damn....who let Jamie Foxx out?

  11. T.I. is going to kick someone's a** tonight....Jamie better be quiet.

  12. I don't understand all of the Jonas Bros hype.

  13. Brand is a crazy-ass out of England. He's got a hell of a backstory. Wiki him...he's been addicted to sex, heroin, he's bipolar, etc. But yea, aside from that I've seen him on like Late Night with Conan O'Brien...he was hilarious. I was cracking up when he was saying to vote for Obama. Russell's cool in my book.

  14. Weezy and Leona Lewis....that is just wrong. They need to finish before they contaminate each other.

  15. Why is Leona Lewis performing with Lil Wayne?

  16. What the hell is that on Ciara's head?....That look is NOT Shear Genius...

  17. PCD's one minute should have been up 20 minutes ago!

  18. @ DJ Diva
    Project Runway...Shear Genius...You are such a reality TV head. LOL

  19. Why are you blogging. You don't know anyone. Futhermore you're bitching with all your negative remarks. If your bored change the channel.

  20. Who ARE these people????

  21. Is all that hostility necessary?

  22. @ SINS
    Please STFU as you GTFOH.

  23. I love pink-SO WHAT!!!! I'm a rock star

  24. I luv Pink too! She's more a pop star to me, but whatever she wants to call herself

  25. Apparently SINS doesn't know that I'm deleting all the repeat comments...oopsie!

  26. Ok, no offense to Jordin Sparks, I like her...but why do you have to be a slut if you're not wearing a promise ring??? Did Sarah Palin get hold of her Tele-prompter???

  27. NOT another Rihanna performance. Glad that's over. TI was alright though. They better not give Lupe one of those mini 2 second performances cuz he's one of the main reasons I'm watching

  28. Ok Rihanna w/ T.I looked fierce as hell. I want my hair cut today, and look good in my jeans like her

  29. So I waited two hours for a 2 second Lupe Fiasco clip. Why did they even advertise that he was performing? (: Poor Lu. I'll try to make it to Kanye's new song

  30. eby, that's exactly what happened, unfortunately.....

  31. Yeah, I saw it coming. Had to sit through 3 Lil Wayne performances for that. If Katy Perry only got the side stage Lupe definitely wasn't getting on the main stage either

  32. Is Kanye the new Gnarls Barkley now???

  33. I am sooo highly upset that Lupe got that whack 5 second side stage performance....&& I sat here hoping it would get better but Kanye wants 2 SING......This is bulls*** lol

  34. This was a hastily put together Brittney Comeback vehicle..And I thought the BET Awards were bad...
    During Pink's performance I felt like I was peeping in on a domestic dispute where the dude got cussed the F out LOL
    Kanye cant sing even with the autotune..
    @Butta I am addicted terribly...

  35. Was Kanye West kidding w/ that performance? Rappers want to be singers and singers want to be rappers. Give me a break!

  36. Don't Bother watching Brit's video, It's a horribly stupid waste of tape, there were so many better video's this year that I don't know why she won anything!

  37. The Bravo shows are the best! I had more fun watching the U.S Open women's final than the VMAs. Serena is the CHAMP!!!

  38. KANYE SUCKS that was whack PEVEN EVERETT!!!!!

  39. I watched Battleground Earth.I was more entertained and that only lasted an hour.

  40. Sad.
    Just sad that was.
    MTV is soooooo weak.

  41. When Leona first started singing, I got a hype and said they didn't mention Common was going to perform! (knowing Common sampled that song on his last album) But alas it was Wayne and dissapointment.
    T-Pain making his entrance with a Circus was Great, cause we all know he's a clown and apparently he does too.
    I loved Pink! But yea she had a malfuction.
    I agree the drums in Kanye's perfomance were Amazing...his singing not so much.
    Thanks for letting me know why I missed Lupe.

  42. Thank you so much for the commentary! I didn't watch, but TIVOed it. Now I can delete it from my TIVO without wondering if I really missed anything.

  43. I've said this before........but obviously the messgae didnt reach the Y2K version of Flava Flav (T-Pain) is it just me or does T-Pain look like he has never taken a bath or shower in his life? I'm a start calling this douchebag T-Pig-pen because he always looks unkept and filthly. His parents have got to be proud.......................

  44. I am soooooo glad I missed the coontiferous show that has become the MTV VMAs. I saw some highlights this morning, though, and did they book the show in a high school auditorium? Man, that was one tiny venue.

  45. HA!!! lolol!!!!! I love reading these!!!! That's the only good thing that comes from these awards shows.
    Am I getting old or just living under a rock? Who were those people???

    I swear, i thought dude with the black hair was a girl (Tokyo Hotel)!
    I wasted 3 hrs that I'll never regain again!
    Please, Kanye, don't sing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever...did I mention...EVER...AGAIN!
    The best performances were the mini-commercial break performances. I love Travis and those drums, he killed it!

  47. I watched Imitation of Life on AMC, but tuned in for the last hour or so....I wasn't feeling Kanye's "performance"...and hated that I only got a snippet of a Lupe performance. that Tokyo person was interesting and Britney CLEARLY got the sympathy votes....

  48. russell brand is a british comedian who was featured in "forgetting sarah marshall" (a movie from the same guy who made superbad).
    rihanna always had those thighs, especially if you want to compare her to the rest of the MTV matchstick leg crew. and she's always sounded like a bag of drowning cats choking on fishbones.
    i really like xtina so please refrain from insulting her. she does not look like that pickled donatella versace except for the straight bleached bonde.
    pink hasn't been an r&b chick since her first cd and i believe that was a label push, not her real style anyway.
    i don't know why we continue to act surprised when these award shows suck. MTV sucks in general. they hardly show videos and when they do, it's the same 4 or 5. so really, what were you expecting?
    p.s. i like rock and i appreciate a break from the coonfoolishness that is t-pain and anyone he colloborates with. if people don't know general pop culture, don't watch a pop show. stick to BET.

  49. I hereby decree that no one insult Xtina because asha fka thatchick demands so. Got that, editors? Because if you do, asha fka thatchick will cease paying us our salaries every 2 weeks.
    Oh wait, she doesn't. Carry on, folks!

  50. I loved your commentary! I didn't even watch the VMAs and after reading this I am glad I didn't! LOL.

  51. spot on description of these underwhelming awards.
    I hope you will be live-blogging the hip honors on Vh-1 in October..