7:59 If the above image of crappers T-Pain and Soulja Boy is any indication of what's ahead on this year's BET Hip Hop Awards, then pray for me, y'all. No amount of Jamaican rum is going to make up for the wackness that's in store. Now let's get twisted!
8:00 DRINK! Why? Just because.
8:00 T.I. is opening up the show and yelling some nonsense. Oh, that's an actual song? Whoops!
8:00 Swizz Beats just bopped onto the stage..
8:01 Ludacris is on now.
8:02 What's Dave Chappelle doing up there on the scaffolding on stage? Oh, my bad that's not Dave, just looks like him.
8:02 Now Luda and T.I. are on stage together. Kumbayah and all that.
8:03 Did Louis Vuitton and Gucci approve all this rag waving? I think not.
8:06 Lawd, the rundown of people who are going to be on the show has given me a headache.
8:08 T-Pain is on the stage to uglify my television and host the show. Let the cooning begin in 5, 4, 3...
8:10 Lil Wayne sighting! DRINK!
8:11 Kerry Washington is presenting an award with 50 Cent and he is pawing all over her. She really needs to fire her agent. Like yesterday.
8:13 Lil Wayne wins the first award. some Alltell Wireless People's Champ foolishness. DRINK! If for no other reason than to dull the pain.
8:14 I see you Jadakiss. A check is a check, huh?
8:18 We're back from the commercial break and Luda pushing his foundation.
8:19 Nas is performing "Hero" now with about 3,000 people on stage.
8:20 Whoever is singing this hook live needs to stop immediately. She sounds a hot mess.
8:22 Five members of the Wu-Tang Clan do not the Wu-Tang Clan make. Sorry.
8:23 They're presenting the award for Best Hip Hop Collabo.
8:24 DJ Khaled and his gang of negroes win. DRINK! Twice for another Lil Wayne sighting and random crew members on stage.
8:29 And we're back form commercial with a cypher filmed in black and white to make it look gritty.
8:29 Hurricane Chris is up first. Damn, he's still around?
8:30 Somalian sensation K'Naan got next.
8:30 Aw sh--! He's rappin in Somalian? Hot.
8:31 Bun B is ripping the mic as per usual.
8:32 Get it, Q-Tip!
8:33 Give me more Q-Tip! His verse sounded all short and what not. No fair.
8:33 Plies makes me want to throw a book of grammar at my television.
8:34 Why is Ne-Yo dressed like the lost member of Run DMC? FAIL.
8:34 Jesus H. Christ why is this "Bust It Baby" song a hit? This sucks on so many levels.
8:35 Why is Ne-Yo lip-syncing? This is a travesty and injustice.
8:36 My favorite corrections officer Rick Ross is up next with Avery Storm on the hook. Don't ask me why I know that dude's name either.
8:36 I can't front, I actually halfway like this song. Sue me.
8:36 Oh, it's Nelly! Why is his shirt still on? That totally defeats his purpose.
8:42 Lil Wayne is now on to speak about his foundation. DRINK!
8:44 T-Pain changed his outfit and tophat. DRINK!
8:44 Now it's time for Young Jeezy to perform...in a suit? Did he not get the memo about the dress code?
8:45 Oh, he's supposed to be playing a politician or some such.
8:45 Well, there went the suit. Wifebeater, hat to the back and ice, now that's more like it.
8:45 Oh look, he has the Black Panther Step Team dancing in the aisles. I can't.
8:46 I don't even know what song this is, nor do I care. All of Jeezy's songs sound alike anyway.
8:48 Jim Jones and Keri Hilson are up now to present the Rookie of the Year Award. My bad, it's the MySpace Rookie of the Year Award. What's up with the corporate branding, BET?
8:49 Shawty Lo won and brought his crew up randoms up on stage with him. DRINK!
8:54 Time for the Women of Hip Hop tribute. This better be good or else.
8:54 MC Lyte is kicking it off. Looking and sounding incredible as always. This may not be so bad after all.
8:54 Spinderella is on the one's and two's.
8:56 Holy moly! Yo Yo looks good as hell and sounds even better. She's been working out.
8:57 OK, she's dong a little too much with all that booty poking out.
8:57 Where oh where did they dig up the Lady of Rage? She is still rocking rough and stuff with her afro puffs, though. Get it, ma!
8:58 Aw yeah! Aw yeah! Salt-N-Pepa is in the place to be!
8:59 Oh snap! They're about to do "Push It"! Um, they're pushing it for change? Mmkay.
8:59 Push it real good!
9:00 S-N-P are dedicating "Whatta Man" to Barack Obama. I ain't mad.
9:01 Did Pep just say "A body like Barack?" LAWD! Now she is really doing too much.
9:01 Aw, they let Spin loose from behind the turntables to kick her verse. Bless their hearts.
9:06 Time for another cypher.
9:06 Never heard of Willy Northpole before but he's pretty nice with his.
9:06 Oh my, a Japanese female rapper named Hime? I don't know word she's saying, but she can definitely flow.
9:07 Blaq Poet had some skills, too. Let me find out.
9:07 Cory Gunz was pretty dope. Keep the cyphers coming.
9:08 Another tophat and outfit for T-Pain. DRINK!
9:08 T-Pain's vocoder is on stage and they're having an argument.
9:09 Vocoder to T-Pain: "Brotha's change when they get a little money. What's next, you gonna get a white girl?" I just died in your arms tonight.
9:10 Common and N.E.R.D. are performing "Universal Mind Control." I can't pop lock and type at the same time. Be right back!
9:12 N.E.R.D. is spazzing out now.
9:12 I chuckle every time I hear "I'm a little teapot." Anyone else?
9:13 I see that hobgoblin Lil Wayne on stage spazzing with everyone. DRINK!
9:14 Keyshia Cole and Big Boi are presenting the next award.
9:14 Keyshia is rocking finger waves. Please God don't let this style regain popularity. Leave the brown gel alone, ladies.
9:15 Weezy wins the award for Lyricist of the Year. DRINK! And then shoot me.
9:16 Derek Luke is still rocking his Puff Daddy-esque texturizer and is now on stage with Gravy and Lil Cease.
9:16 They're presenting the trailer for Notorious. Gravy's actually kinda cute. Did I say that out loud?
9:19 OK, Notorious looked pretty damn good. Hopefully that'll translate to the entire film.
9:19 LL Cool J is up next to present the I Am Hip Hop award to Russell Simmons. Glad to see that there's no hard feelings between these two.
9:24 Uncle Russy is rocking a bedazzled Obama t-shirt.
9:26 Yawn. Is he still talking? DRINK! Why not?
9:31 Soon to be jailbird T.I. is now talking about his foundation.
9:31 T-Pain is back in a new tophat and outfit and he's introducing himself. DRINK!
9:32 He's lip-syncing and I'm not the least bit mad since he can't sing a friggin lick.
9:34 Lil Wayne has joined him on stage and my eyes are now bleeding. DRINK!
9:34 Pull your damn pants up!
9:35 How in the hell are you going to have technical difficulties on a pre-taped program? BET must have Wack Juice dispensers set up around the office right next to the coffee.
9:35 This is utterly painful. I might have to retire after this wackness.
9:36 Luda is back. Whoopty doo.
9:37 Weezy just cussed up a storm and said some line about Sarah Palin that got bleeped out. Glad to see he kept it classy. Not. Now, DRINK!
9:42 Plies has a foundation? Can he even spell foundation?
9:43 Ice Cube is on now to perform sans The Game.
9:44 But Musiq and his frohawk are there to pick up any slack. Too bad he's lip-syncing.
9:45 Aw yeah! Today was a good day, indeed.
9:45 Keep my name out your mouth, Cube. Talkin bout I beeped you.
9:47 Everybody is rocking the vote tonight. Ice Cube just straight out said "Vote black!" Well alrighty then.
9:47 Ciara is on to present the award for Most Valuable Player--whatever the hell that means.
9:48 Lil Wayne wins and brings even more niglets up on stage with him. He has three styrofoam cups in his hand. Has he been playing our little drinking game, too?
9:53 One last cypher to end the night. Let's get it, Ace Hood.
9:54 Who in da hell left the gate open to let Juelz Santana sneak in?
9:55 Fabolous gets dap for rhyming "Sarah Palin" with "parasailing."
9:56 Jadakiss FTW!
9:56 T-Pain is back in another outfit and coordinating tophat to close out the show. DRINK!
9:57 Testicular Pain just said, "Give it up for one of the midgets in my circus" when he introduced Lil Bow Wow. That was the funniest thing I've heard all night.
9:57 Bow Weezy is performing "Marco Polo" with Soulja Boy, and I'm officially done with this f--kery for the night. I refuse to subject myself to this ear pollution any longer. I will be checking myself into rehab tomorrow.