Welcome to the sixth installment of "Man vs. Machine" in which I, SoulBounce HNIC, listen to one hour of mainstream urban radio and document my "findings" along with the type of commentary that only your friendly SB editors can provide. Perhaps by the end of this experiment, I will have:
- Learned what all the kids are listening to.
- Reconciled all the trash I talk here on SoulBounce.
- Stormed the steps of Our Local Station screaming "Give us free!" at the top of my lungs.
A little over a month ago, I decided to return to the fiery, musty pits of radio, after not having followed up on this experiment for almost an entire year
. And guess what? It was so bad that I couldn't come up with enough witty bon mots to sustain the intended humor of this column. I can no longer be a good sport about this shit.
5:59 It's the 6 o'clock hour which can only mean one thing: Idiots playing idiot music and making idiot jokes.
6:00 Pleasure P: "Boyfriend #2." Have you all seen this video? It's looks like one of those YouTube videos where a buncha young dudes get together and start humping the furniture. And that's how the song sounds, like a young-ass dude humping furniture because he's either not completed puberty or can't find a woman because he still lives at home (and humps couches with his "boys.")
6:04 Birdman feat. Lil' Wayne: "Stay Strapped." How many times do you wanna bet I'll hear Lil' Wayne this hour? It recently occurred to me why Weezy is so ubiquitous. Basic folks relate to him. If there was ever a rapper that reminded me of the dudes I walk past that smoke weed in broad daylight when I leave for work in the morning, and are doing the exact same thing when I get home in the evening, it would be Lil' Wayne.
6:07 Yung La feat. Yung Dro & T.I. "Ain't I." Words cannot express how bad this song is. Even on a "I'm drunk at the club so I'm gonna dance anyway" level, it's shit. Sadly, most crappy rap songs sound like this now--lazy, monotonous, juvenile, musically-impaired, retarded.
6:11 Soulja Boy: "Turn My Swag On." *LOGS THE F**K OFF* Okay, seriously, perhaps I spoke too soon about "Ain't I." For some reason, I actually thought OLS had too much integrity to play Soulja Boy. I'm so glad I'm not 6-years-old because I would probably like this garbage. How come he hasn't made Keith Olberman's "Worst Person in the World"? Because that pretty much sums him up.
6:15 F.L.Y. "Swag Surfin'." Whoever programmed this hour was like "Let's just start off bad." Seriously, I can't even make jokes because it's that awful. I am a mass of oily, black resentment right now. But I can totally see why this type of music makes people shoot each other--there's a mass psychosis of youngins with an unhealthy preoccupation with swag.
6:20 Commercials. Big Tigger is threatening to bring Rick Ross and his tiddies to a club in DC.
6:21 Luckily, the feed was interrupted by streaming radio ads. What, you thought I was listening to this on an actual radio?
6:23 I would actually love to hear Beyoncé right now. Her music is like Beethoven compared to the rest of this shit.
Ha, apparently we went too long without more requisite Weezy. Keri Hilson's
"Turnin' Me On." This broad is so inconsequential that I'm astounded she ticks people off
6:30 Jamie Foxx "Just Like Me." What? No "Blame It?" I guess that was too obvious. Now they're boring me. Only thirty minutes left, and just as many brain cells.
6:34 NEW JOINT!!!! (Whatever.) Gucci Mane "Stoopid." At least he's being honest about his output. We need more songs like this. This clown has one of the most irritating flows I've ever heard. How come someone hasn't ethered his ass yet? Ugh.
6:38 Female host: "Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy make nothing but hits right now." Stop smoking the peyote, lady.
6:40 Commercials. Thank you, Kaing Jesus.
6;45 Fifteen minutes left. I have a headache and feel like my soul has been raped.
6:47 The-Dream: "Rockin' That Thang." I will happily admit that this is a guilty pleasure, but a little bit of this dude goes a long way. Radio killa, indeed.
6:50 Ciara feat. Young Jeezy "Never Ever." I didn't know this song was actually getting burn. I didn't know the radio still cared about Ciara, least of all this song. Sorry, CiCi, but this is lame even for you. And I actually like you. Jeezy can kick rocks, I was done with him after "Go Crazy."
6:55 Lil' Wayne: "Lollipop." And our hour wouldn't be complete without a Lil' Wayne single.
6:59 Soulja Boy: "Turn My Swag On." I seriously hope this is a programming error. *scrolls up* Y'all played this about 50 minutes ,and it wasn't cute the last time. I hate everyone at OLS right now.