Man Vs. Machine (Part 6): Uckery-Fay At 64kbps

pleasurep.jpgWelcome to the sixth installment of "Man vs. Machine" in which I, SoulBounce HNIC, listen to one hour of mainstream urban radio and document my "findings" along with the type of commentary that only your friendly SB editors can provide. Perhaps by the end of this experiment, I will have:

  • Learned what all the kids are listening to.
  • Reconciled all the trash I talk here on SoulBounce.
  • Stormed the steps of Our Local Station screaming "Give us free!" at the top of my lungs.
A little over a month ago, I decided to return to the fiery, musty pits of radio, after not having followed up on this experiment for almost an entire year. And guess what? It was so bad that I couldn't come up with enough witty bon mots to sustain the intended humor of this column. I can no longer be a good sport about this shit. 
5:59 It's the 6 o'clock hour which can only mean one thing: Idiots playing idiot music and making idiot jokes.
6:00 Pleasure P: "Boyfriend #2." Have you all seen this video? It's looks like one of those YouTube videos where a buncha young dudes get together and start humping the furniture. And that's how the song sounds, like a young-ass dude humping furniture because he's either not completed puberty or can't find a woman because he still lives at home (and humps couches with his "boys.")
6:04 Birdman feat. Lil' Wayne: "Stay Strapped." How many times do you wanna bet I'll hear Lil' Wayne this hour? It recently occurred to me why Weezy is so ubiquitous. Basic folks relate to him. If there was ever a rapper that reminded me of the dudes I walk past that smoke weed in broad daylight when I leave for work in the morning, and are doing the exact same thing when I get home in the evening, it would be Lil' Wayne.  
6:07 Yung La feat. Yung Dro & T.I. "Ain't I." Words cannot express how bad this song is. Even on a "I'm drunk at the club so I'm gonna dance anyway" level, it's shit. Sadly, most crappy rap songs sound like this now--lazy, monotonous, juvenile, musically-impaired, retarded. 
6:11 Soulja Boy: "Turn My Swag On." *LOGS THE F**K OFF* Okay, seriously, perhaps I spoke too soon about "Ain't I." For some reason, I actually thought OLS had too much integrity to play Soulja Boy. I'm so glad I'm not 6-years-old because I would probably like this garbage. How come he hasn't made Keith Olberman's "Worst Person in the World"? Because that pretty much sums him up. 
6:15 F.L.Y. "Swag Surfin'." Whoever programmed this hour was like "Let's just start off bad." Seriously, I can't even make jokes because it's that awful. I am a mass of oily, black resentment right now. But I can totally see why this type of music makes people shoot each other--there's a mass psychosis of youngins with an unhealthy preoccupation with swag.
6:20 Commercials. Big Tigger is threatening to bring Rick Ross and his tiddies to a club in DC. 
6:21 Luckily, the feed was interrupted by streaming radio ads. What, you thought I was listening to this on an actual radio? 
6:23 I would actually love to hear Beyoncé right now. Her music is like Beethoven compared to the rest of this shit.
6:26 Ha, apparently we went too long without more requisite Weezy. Keri Hilson's "Turnin' Me On." This broad is so inconsequential that I'm astounded she ticks people off
6:30 Jamie Foxx "Just Like Me." What? No "Blame It?" I guess that was too obvious. Now they're boring me. Only thirty minutes left, and just as many brain cells.
6:34 NEW JOINT!!!! (Whatever.) Gucci Mane "Stoopid." At least he's being honest about his output. We need more songs like this. This clown has one of the most irritating flows I've ever heard. How come someone hasn't ethered his ass yet? Ugh.
6:38 Female host: "Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy make nothing but hits right now." Stop smoking the peyote, lady.
6:40 Commercials. Thank you, Kaing Jesus.
6;45 Fifteen minutes left. I have a headache and feel like my soul has been raped.
6:47 The-Dream: "Rockin' That Thang." I will happily admit that this is a guilty pleasure, but a little bit of this dude goes a long way. Radio killa, indeed. 
6:50 Ciara feat. Young Jeezy "Never Ever." I didn't know this song was actually getting burn. I didn't know the radio still cared about Ciara, least of all this song. Sorry, CiCi, but this is lame even for you. And I actually like you. Jeezy can kick rocks, I was done with him after "Go Crazy."
6:55 Lil' Wayne: "Lollipop." And our hour wouldn't be complete without a Lil' Wayne single. 
6:59 Soulja Boy: "Turn My Swag On." I seriously hope this is a programming error. *scrolls up* Y'all played this about 50 minutes ,and it wasn't cute the last time. I hate everyone at OLS right now.
7:03 Gonna listen to the latest episode of Gordon Gartrell Radio to wash this nasty taste out of my ear.

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16 Responses

  1. I'm surprised you lasted the whole hour! welcome back, you were missed.

  2. all this was funny. but this: "Stormed the steps of Our Local Station screaming "Give us free!" at the top of my lungs" is classic.

  3. welcome to my personal hell!! That hour's worth of crap is the reason I invested in a radio ipod adapter. Listen to that s--t long enough and you find yourself humming "Halle Berrrrr-ay! Halle Berry!!" and wondering why your brains are leaking onto your laptop. Ignorance to a beat is soooo insidious.

  4. Damn! It's worse than I thought. Give Us Free! LMAO!

  5. Glad you survived it. I rarely listen to the radio and when I do it's oldies R&B or Rock.

  6. "Fifteen minutes left. I have a headache and feel like my soul has been raped."
    Well that really says it all huh? I can't stomach it either.

  7. Nova, Nova Nova- thank you for subjecting yourself for to that crap, so that we don't have to! I was just speaking about this last night with my husband and some friends. The hot garbage they call "urban" radio now is utterly horrendous! There is no other word for it, but horrendous. I can maybe listen to it in the morning, but no more than 15 minutes in the evening. it's so terrible. I can really only listen to the "30 and older" stations now or the college stations. At this point, I'm a little pissed at the Black owed radio stations b/c really, they could do better. They could play better music than what they do. Heck, if they just played one sensible song in every hour rotation, I'd be happy......
    It is so sad to think there there is going to be a generation of kids who think Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane, and the rest of these clowns are good music. SMH in disgust!
    Thank goodness for places like SB to promote GOOD music and underrated artists! Please continue!

  8. There were several gems in here, but I went blank at "mass of oily black resentment."
    As with every installment, I'm proud to say I have no knowledge of 99.9% of this fuggery and that won't change. I'm backing up the backups of the backups of my music because I truly worry about what my kids will have to listen to someday.

  9. So funny! I missed Soulbounce when you all were away.

  10. and this is exactly why i don't listen to the damn radio. half those songs i haven't heard and don't want to hear. and the other half fall into the first half category.
    agreed with the inconsequence of keri hilson
    twice agreed with soulja boy on keith olberman's worst persons
    side eye at liking Ciara

  11. It's sad because this is what the young people listen to these days. They'll never be exposed music with substance unless they turn the radio off...which they don't do. The radio is full of party songs.

  12. Avatar

    "Turn My Swag On." *LOGS THE F**K OFF*--LOL...I honestly thought this dude couldn't get any worse, and yet this bull saw the light of day. Someone please shove him off the face of the earth. I don't understand how his fellow idiots listen to this and at some point not begin to second-guess themselves. And the creators of REAL music are still starving?? I truly. don't. get it.

  13. You are a soldier for subjecting your ears and soul to commercial radio. Those songs sound like video game soundtracks with horrific vocals.
    I love you and your bravery.

  14. Around here(Triad Area NC) we lost our good R&B station(the one that played Steve Harvey in the morning and Michael Baisden in the afternoon) and the R&B station that is left sounds like an older version of the ignant rap station a little further down the dial, Thank goodness for college radio

  15. Dear Nova:
    Could you please perform an exorcism on me. Turn My Swag On, has grown on me. Actually, if anyone from the SoulBounce team could drown me in Holy Water. I would appreciate it. Thanks.

  16. Ahhhh, I return from vacation to find that SB has been back in effect for a whole week AND Man v. Machine has returned, lol!!!!! Some of these songs I've fortunately never heard of so that's a great it bad to admit that I like the Aint I song, lol. I really am addicted to TI so I can't help it sorry. I thought Soldier Boy would have been pushed off a cliff by now...unfortunately he is still here 🙁 My favorite line: "I am a mass of oily, black resentment right now.