(Wait, what was that? Can we just pause for a second? Cookie had the chance to finally snuff the life out of Lucious’ ol’ snake ass and she punked out? There’s more on that end, but we’ll get there in a bit.)
Episode 12: "Who I Am"
First we get the return of the conk! It’s a flashback to the very first episode, where Lucious sat his sons down to discuss one of them taking over. They now sit in the same place as Lucious takes the head of the table. He tells the boys that he’s not actually dying from plot device, I mean ALS. The news is met with mostly unenthusiastic stares — except for Jamal, who, now that he finally has that fatherly approval he’s been thirsting for, has seemingly drank all of Lucious’ Kool-Aid. But Lucious comes bearing golden gifts, literally. First, Hakeem opens his gift, a gaudy gold chain (with wings!) that even the tackiest of rappers wouldn’t wear. It’s meant to symbolize Empire’s jet fleet and Lucious giving him control, meaning in some convoluted way that Hakeem now has his own private jet to tour and possibly go see Camilla. Andre gets a gold cross with the Lion of Judah, and Lucious apologizes for trying to break his faith. He also tells Andre that he’s starting the Lyon Foundation at the close of the IPO and that Andre’ll have $100 million to start it up. Jamal then opens his gift, a gold pimp cane/staff/backscratcher/thingamajig. “The Empire is yours, Jamal,” Lucious says. Aww, and all it took was Jamal going all Suge Knight/Big Red on somebody for his father to finally love him and see him for the man he is. While Jamal is shocked, his brothers are less than thrilled and it’s written all over their faces. At the end of all this snaky goodwill, Cookie saunters in. Lucious informs her of all that’s going on. He then presents Cookie with her gift: A pillow. Run, Cookie! He knows!
In the Empire offices, Jamal, Andre and Hakeem are discussing the company as Becky brings in the last cup of tea she’ll be serving to anybody since Jamal, in his first act as company head, has promoted her to A&R (which hopefully means she’ll be able to afford to fix that god awful blonde weave). Hakeem and Andre offer her half-assed congratulations as they are still saltier than McDonald’s fries about what happened earlier. But Jamal is trying to keep the peace, asking his brothers for their support. Sadly, they only offer sour grapes and bitter beer faces. Elsewhere, Cookie is preparing Cookie Lyon Presents The Lucious Lyon Sound (worst name for a concert ever) and Charles Hamilton (da hell has he been?) and British Rihanna with better vocals (fight me) Rita Ora are running through their number “New York Raining.” Ever notice how these songs that are supposedly Lucious’ hits sound so much better when other people are singing them? I digress, though. Cookie gets a text from Becky saying that Lucious wants to see her in his office not now, but right now. Once she gets to the office, Lucious blows up Cookie’s spot in front of Jamal and plays video of her trying to smother him with a pillow. Yep, Cookie shoulda snuffed his snake ass when she had the chance. Of course, this footage conveniently leaves out Lucious’ drug-induced confession to killing Bunky, but Cookie makes sure to mention it while security comes to take her away and Jamal's conflicted (like he doesn’t know his daddy is low down). But before Cookie can even get her bearings together she’s whisked away by the Feds.
At rehab, we witness the return of Vernon, who’s fresh out and ready to live right. Of course A Pimp Named Slickback is there to greet him, though Vernon doesn’t seem happy to see him. Lucious tells Vernon (who’s finally looking well rested) he needs him to look after Cookie and make sure she’s not plotting his death...anymore, that is. Speaking of Cookie, she’s back with the Feds as they try to get her to turn informant against Lucious. Seems that they’ve finally wised up to Lucious’ shady dealings, including the murder of Bunky. Still, while our girl Cookie might be many things, a snitch ain’t one of them. In a flashback, we see that this wasn’t her first chance to turn the tables on Lucious, but she refuses just as she did then. However, as she walks out of the Feds’ office, she’s spied by Vernon. *cue dramatic music*
Anika and Hakeem, meanwhile, are at Hakeem’s place talking about their tryst, with Hakeem letting Boo Boo Kitty know that what transpired between them was just to piss off his daddy. But Anika has something more Machiavellian in mind, specifically a hostile takeover of Empire, Jamal be damned. Fast forward to the press conference, and Hakeem talks to Andre about his plot while the press conference about the concert is set to begin. Patti LaBelle (Hey, Ms. Patti Patti!) takes the podium to announce her involvement and that 10 percent of the concert’s proceeds will be donated to Black Lives Matter (hopefully they cut a check in real life, too #justsaying). Lucious also takes the opportunity to announce Jamal as the new head of the company, but Empire artist Black Rambo (this name...really?) ain’t having that and calls Jamal a “batty man” and suggests that any “real” rapper on the label should bounce like he did, despite the fact that a lot of men calling the shots at record labels are proudly (or not so proudly) a part of the LGBT family.
- Advertisement -At a tense board meeting, Andre mines more salt disguised as worries about the company brand now that an openly gay man is at the helm. Elsewhere, Cookie — broom in hand — schemes to build a new label with Hakeem, but the youngster has other ideas. While on the subject of other ideas, Rhonda is packing her ish — bibs and all — much to the surprise of Andre. She’s had it up to here with being ride or die for Dre while he's off with Michelle finding the Lord and what not. While it seems that Andre at least has a noble reason for being away, can you blame her after he tossed her aside like a post-fellatio blow job bib back in episode 10? But one good thing (for the plot, that is) comes from Rhonda’s leaving: It’s enough to make Andre go with Hakeem’s takeover plans, too.
Hakeem, Cookie, Andre and Anika then meet up for some civil conversation about the prospect. And by civil, I mean Cookie opening up the evening by saying to Anika, “Tell me why I shouldn’t throw this drink in your bitch-ass face.” “Because you’d never get up off the floor, bitch,” is Boo Boo Kitty’s succinct response. Cookie Tha Gawd decides to test that theory and tosses her drank (probably straight up Henny) on Anika’s smug expression and then adds a punch — not the Hawaiian kind — for good measure. As Boss Chick Cookie apologizes and talks ish to her sons, Anika sneak attacks her by pulling the back of Cookie’s weave, a no-no fa’ sho. This results in the cat fight we’ve all been waiting for all season. While Anika holds her own, Cookie shows how she survived those 17 years of incarceration by whoopin’ dat ass, snatching Anika’s pearls (last night’s best quotable: “Run dem pearls, ho!”) and choking Boo Boo Kitty out while still emerging from the scuffle with nary a hair out of place. Once that bit of business is done, it’s time to talk real business. They plan to meet with Tony “Tricky” Trichter, a known corporate raider who’s been interested in getting into the hip-hop game.
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