Welcome to the first installment of "Man vs. Machine" in which I, SoulBounce HNIC, listen to one hour of mainstream urban radio per week and document my "findings" along with the type of commentary that only your friendly SB editors can provide. Perhaps by the end of this experiment, I will have:

• Learned what all the kids are listening to.
• Reconciled all the trash I talk here on SoulBounce.
• Slit my wrists.

Let the chicanery begin!

My personal purgatory this past Monday evening begins with the requisite ten minutes of commercials, that have been "ethnicized" to make ads for Pizza Hut, Clearasil and Geico more palatable to the target audience, obvs.

6:56   The Dream's "Shawty is a Ten" feat. Fabulous. This is my first time hearing this. It sounds like Chris Brown, T-Pain, and Bow Wow are multiplying. Oh, and it's awful!

7:00  Seems I've stumbled upon a countdown of sorts. Top 7 at 7? Oh great. Make me proud, DC. Not. OMG, are they giving out Chris Brown and Bow Wow tix? It's like Christmas, my birthday and Yom Kippur all wrapped in one!

7:02  Song #7 is Cassidy, "My Drink and My 2-Step." Quiet as kept, I love this joint. I'm so disappointed in myself.

7:05  Song #6 is Soulja Boy, "Soulja Girl". Either that, or someone IS PASSING A STONE. "We on the phone like ' da da dadada da da'..." WTF? I'm so insulted. Why'd I sign up for this?

7:08  Song #5 is.... I have no clue. Is it Lil' Wayne and Birdman? No matter. It's some tripe about "poppin' bottles" or something. Can I just say how sick I am of tipping bartenders and strippers, and after-parties, and poppin' bottles and projectile-vomiting "up in the club"?  Whatever happened to songs about smoking marijuana and "chillin'"?

7:11  Song #4 is Kanyeezy and Teddy Pain "Good Life"! Within the context of the rest of this crap, even Kanye sounds like a joke. This is so much better sandwiched between Kweli and Common on my Ipod.

7:14  Ok, now they're talking about how Sisqo (!) (?) sang Ciara "Happy Birthday" at some party/performance this weekend. And they're giving away those Chris Brown and Bow Wow tickets that I've. Been. Waiting. My. Entire. Life. For.

7:18  Cut to commercial.

7:24  We're back! DJ Khaled is SCREAMING! Oh, it's this "I'm So Hood", with T-Pain, Trick Daddy and alladem. "I got these golds all up in my mouf..." OMG, there's so much powerful ni***try at work this evening! I so feel like I'm about to get robbed.

7:28  #2 is Alicia Keys "No One". Oh, Alicia, if you only knew what you just followed.... What could possibly be number one? Nothing can top these past six masterpieces.

7:34  AND IT'S... Weezy? Playaz Circle? "Duffel Bag Boy"? Is that code for "fierce Louis Vuitton" or "Kelly Bag"? OMG, my cousin told me about this, and how he felt slightly soulless afterwards. I now know that feeling. Again, DC MADE THIS NUMBER ONE! Jesus be an earplug.

7:38  The "Instant Request" is... a go-go song. "Welcome to DC". Wait, did they just say in the song how proud they are of how we voted the mayor back in after he was busted for crack? You're not supposed to say that in mixed company! Almighty God in Heaven, is the name of this group "MAMBO SAUCE"? This is my cadaver typing right now.

7:43  Ooh, Renee from Ft. Washington just won her some Chris Brown and Bow Wow tickets! Call me, girl!

7:45  Commercials. Praise Him!

7:52  Ok, something has been playing for the last 2.5 minutes, and I thought it was a commercial because it's so uber-corny and obnoxious but it's been on too long. It's horrendous whatever it is and defies explanation.

7:53 Oh great, "Pop Lock and Drop It". I can't take this ish no more. Cutting. Radio. Off. Now. I'm moving to New York! God, I feel like I've been traipsing through raw sewage for the past hour.

Hopefully, I'll be able to do this again next week. If the creek don't rise. Holla!