8:00 Welcome to the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards Live-Blog. C'mon and join me in my misery.
8:04 The 2008 VMA Opening Act is so far, so dry.
8:04 Oh look, there's T.I. Is that velvet?
8:05 Sway is in a helicopter high above the action. He's chatting with Katy Perry. Yawn.
8:08 Am I supposed to know who Tokio Hotel is?
8:09 Hold up. That's a dude? The lead singer from Tokio Hotel looks like the love child of old boy from Dead or Alive and Boy George.
8:10 The first commercial break didn't come soon enough.
8:14 Jesus, Mary, K-Ci and Jo Jo. T-Pain is making his grand entrance on a circus elephant with an assortment of krumping clowns, scantily clad broads and sideshow freaks.
8:17 Taylor Swift just told Pink that she looks "Amazing!" Is that code for hot mess?
8:18 Jordin Sparks is such a cutie patootie. She looks quite glam in her sparkly dress and phonytail.
8:19 And we're back to Sway in this damn helicopter.
8:26 Miley Cyrus was in a limo with Katy Perry? I bet there was some heavy petting going on.
8:27 OK, this Taylor chick is telling everyone that they look "AMAZING!" Please get a vocabulary.
8:28 Look! It's Kid Rock and his date Vera de Milo...oh, my bad, that's Michael Phelps.
8:33 It's America's Best Dance Crew VMA Edition!! Couldn't you just die?!
8:35 FANNY PAK!!
8:36 That lightskinned sista in Fanny Pak is Keri Hilson's doppelganger.
8:37 Why is Sway acting like he could see those dance routines from the helicopter? Old lyin' self. He is not a good actor at all.
8:38 All these commercial breaks are making this semi-bearable.
8:43 Va-va-voom! Christina Aguilera looks like Donatella Versaucy.
8:45 OMFGOMFGOMFG! It's the Jonas Brothers!
8:45 That one Jonas Brother in the white suit looks like a young Mr. Bean.
8:51 Oh look, it's Kobe Bryant and Mrs. It's Cheaper to Keep Her.
8:52 Am I supposed to know who Paramore is?
8:53 Who is this Jim Cantiello clown that MTV has on the red carpet? Was Prince DaJour not available?
8:54 WTF is up with Ciara's hair? No, really. Is her lacefront on backwards? I'm just glad that she decided to wear clothes unlike in the latest issue of VIBE.
8:59 And it's show time! Here comes Britney Spears.
9:01 OK, this show opener is super lame.
9:02 At least Britney looks better than she did last year.
9:04 What in the zombie hell is this?
9:04 Oh, God. It's Rihanna with this tragic "Disturbia" song.
9:05 That's a sexy hot outfit, though. Where'd those thick thighs come from?
9:07 She sounds like a bag of cats fighting for a fish bone.
9:08 Who in the hell is Russell Brand? Am I supposed to know who this weirdo is? His hair is disturbia.
9:11 OK, dude gets a pass for his pro-Obama banter/anti-Republican jokes.
9:15 Here comes Jamie Foxx to present the first VMA for Best Female Video. He's shouting folks out and acting a fool.
9:18 And that's your cue Jamie.
9:18 Britney wins her first VMA for a video that I've never seen. LOL
9:19 OK, Russell, all this political comedy is going over way over people's heads.
9:27 Demi Moore? Mmkay. She's presenting the award for Best Male Video.
9:28 Chris Brown for the win!
9:30 The Jonas Brothers are performing. Time for a smoke break. Never mind that I don't smoke.
9:34 Katy Perry is singing "Like A Virgin" before the commercial break. I'm underwhelmed, anyone else?
9:40 Vera...um, Michael Phelps is on to announce the next performer.
9:42 Leona Lewis and Lil Wayne? LEONA LEWIS AND LIL WAYNE? I'm spent.
9:43 Now Weezy is performing "A Millie." I just want him to pull his pants up.
9:44 Here comes T-Pain to coon up the joint even more.
9:46 Lindsay Lohan and Ciara are announcing who won the VMA Dance Battle. Ciara better guard her goodies. We know how LiLo gets down.
9:47 Fanny Pak wins! Yes we can!
Badussy Pussycat Dolls win for Best Dancing in a Video. Can somebody wake me when their 15 minutes are up??
10:07 I'm still here. Just waiting for this rock block to end. I know absolutely jack diddly squat about rock music in 2008.
10:08 Any bets on who is going to be the first one to fall down those moving stairs? I got dizzy just looking at them.
10:10 Linkin Park wins Best Rock Video. They have hood cred, right?
10:12 Pink is up next to perform "So What" live from the Paramount lot.
10:13 She has turned into quite the rockstar since coming out on the R&B tip.
10:14 Oh Lord, is she about to have a wardrobe malfunction? Home girl has silver tape on her nips.
10:24 Slipknot is 1) scaring me and 2) presenting the Best Hip Hop Video Award.
10:25 Lil Wayne wins for "Lollipop." Yawn.
10:26 Can we pour a little out for Static Major? R.I.P., dude.
10:26 Jordin Sparks is like a foot taller than John Legend.
10:26 Jordin strikes back at the promise ring haters saying "Not everyone wants to be a slut." Take a stand for chastity, girl!
10:26 Time for T.I. to perform.
10:27 This faux video is so tired.
10:28 Lawd, T.I. can't get out of the jacket for his costume change.
10:29 Jesus H. Christ it's Rihanna again. She is wearing the hell outta those pants, though. She's someone who needs to be seen and not heard.
10:31 They don't sound that bad together, but they don't sound that good either.
10:37 What does Christina Aguilera have up her garter belt?
10:38 Lip syncing!
10:39 X-tina's new song is very techno sounding tombout she's your "Super Bitch." How classy.
10:43 Tokio Hotel wins Best New Artist.
10:44 Boy George, Jr. just clasped his hands over his mouth very girl-like when their names were announced. I'm spent.
10:44 Are we sure that's a dude? He is way too pretty. If this music thing doesn't work out, he needs to be on the next season of America's Next Top Model.
10:49 Gasp and swoon! It's LL Cool J performing "Going Back to Cali" and wearing a bedazzled t-shirt. He is determined not to let those things get played out.
10:51 Oh look, it's the walking herpe Paris Hilton here to present Best Pop Video.
10:52 Britney Spears wins again! I smell a sympathy-vote conspiracy.
10:53 She thanks God for blessing her with a Moonman. Blank stare.
10:53 Why is Lupe Fiasco relegated to a commercial segue slot? Boo, MTV!
10:59 OK, it's one minute to 11, why is this mess still on?
11:00 Kid Rock is performing now. Who'd he sleep with to get this gig?
11:00 It was much more interesting at last year's VMA's when he and Tommy Lee knuckled up.
11:02 The audience looks so bored, like they are watching a lecture.
11:03 Oh my God! A hobgoblin is on the stage!
11:03 Oh, that's just Lil Wayne.
11:04 OK, this performance has gone on for way too long.
11:10 Here's Kobe to present the Video of the Year Award. This is finally nearing an end.
11:11 Britney Spears wins again! Maybe I should actually break down and watch this damn video!
11:12 Brit-Brit and Russ-Russ drive off into the sunset on a golf cart.
11:13 And here's Kanye...singing? Lawd.
11:14 This beat and the drums are hot.
11:15 So, wait, Kanye is really singing throughout this whole song? Wow.
11:16 OK, Ye, I'll keep my love locked down.
11:17 And that's it, folks. There's nothing else to see here. And it's debatable whether there was anything to see here for the past 2+ hours.