What The Game’s Been Missing: The Art Of Begging

Can you feel it in the air? The mornings are a little cooler, pretty soon the leaves will begin to turn colors, and the geese will fly south. People will start wearing camel instead of tan, boots will become appropriate footwear, and butter-soft leathers will make their debuts in the wardrobes of players and playettes across the country.

Cuffin' season draws nigh, y'all.

Oh, the beauty of cuffin'! That noble sport of locking down a lover to
keep the winter chill away -- a sort of romantic battening down of the
hatches, if you will. With the season's rapid advancement, there is
undoubtedly someone out there who burned valuable bridges with the
previous year's cuff. And if you're already in a relationship there is a
high likelihood that you will upset your beloved sometime in the near
future. To smooth out these rough edges you will have to engage in the
ancient art of begging to avoid having the coldest winter ever.

As with anything else, begging is relative. There are three main levels
of when you need to break begging out: 1 - Low (I forgot to take the trash out, I let the dog/children
sleep in the bed again, I left the toilet seat up), 2 - Medium (I forgot
our anniversary/your birthday/Valentine's Day, I loud talked you in
front of people), and 3 - High (I forgot to tell you about my drug habit,
I'm having an affair with my boss). The key to success is knowing
which song is appropriate for each level. You don't want to over
dramatize a Level 1 beg with a Level 3 song, nor do you want to
miss the mark by using a Level 1 song on a Level 2 situation.
Additionally, the number of begs-per-minute (BPM) increases with every
level. Here is a list of level-appropriate songs for smoothing out
complicated relationship issues:

Level 1: "Doing it to be cute" Begging

  • "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" - The Temptations
  • "Never Lie" - Immature

Level 2: "Need to make amends before dinner" Begging

  • "A House Is Not a Home" - Luther Vandross
  • "Love and Need and Want You" - Patti LaBelle
  • "Who's Loving You" - Jackson 5

Level 3: "Wall slide and brown liquor" Begging

  • "I'm Going Down" - Rose Royce
  • "Cause I Love You" - Lenny Williams
  • Any Song by Jodeci ("Stay" or "Cry For You" are perennial favorites)

In the past, musicians have acted as an intermediary for the average Joe,
singing on his behalf and girding him with the power to seduce by
playing with just the right song. Today, not so much. Artists are so wrapped
up in the trappings of their own celebrity that they don't know what it
feels like to beg for lovin' anymore. This means poor Joe and Tyrone
and Keisha and Janet are left without the essential tools needed to
attract an autumnal paramour. Thank God the Patron Saint of Pleading Keith Sweat is dropping a new album -- now all may have access to music that will help cuff a cuddle buddy for the chilly season.

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